Huh.

How does everyone see the emo in me?

Whenever someone says that I’m so emo, I deny it. What else am I gonna say? I honestly don’t get how people see it though, since I feel like I do laugh/smile a lot of the time.

To be honest, though, they’re right. Maybe I’m just trying to deny that I’m an unhappy person because being an “emo person” isn’t really uh.. a good thing. And I just hate it when people ask “why are you so emo?” and such. Do you REALLY expect me to smile 24/7?

At times, I really do question my emotional state… am I depressed? Or am I just going through that phase of transitioning into another stage in life? It might just be that. I want to tell myself that, but is it really only that? Going through this semester, I’ve just been constantly questioning who I am and how I think… why I’m like this. When I think about it, wow, I wasn’t like this when I wrote my personal statements and scholarship essays. Was it all a lie? Ha… confidence? That I have? I wish.

Here I go again… wishing. Why can’t I just change? I must admit that it’s tiring being this closed up person, wishing to change, wishing for something great to happen to me. I know that it doesn’t happen that way.. it just doesn’t. Yet I don’t do anything about it. I’m such a disappointment. When I look at myself, I feel so sad… really sad that I’m this kind of person.

Failure. Disappointment. Fear.

Why can’t I just do it? Why can’t I just STOP thinking so much? When I don’t think about things, that doesn’t make anything better…

Sometimes I really wonder about my usefulness… I’m so useless. I find nothing in me that can do anything for anyone… let alone myself. That’s so sad.

Yeah, tell me to stop being emo. But what steps do I take to do so? Ha… it seems easy, but is it? True, there are probably more people out there suffering more than I am. But that doesn’t make me feel any better about myself or my life. I can’t help but write this all out because this is how I feel. Is it wrong to feel the way I do? I wish I didn’t.

Here I go again, wishing…

I just don’t think I can go through this alone. But then again, I can’t trust anyone to help me…

Wishing

Why do we wish when we can make things happen?

Fear…

I’m tired of being afraid, but can I really change that?

179 Dwinelle

Yeah, I’m in here not really studying. I just want to be around some people. I was going to study, but I got myself busy reading people’s blogs. I realized how much I like to read what other people have to say, but I myself don’t have anything much to type about. I always tell myself I’d blog every day, but I don’t. Huh. My blogs are always full of rants anyhow.. but that’s what blogs are for, right?

I guess I do a have a lot of time to study for my final that is on Friday, but I still feel like I’ll be procrastinating a lot of the time anyway…. and I slept pretty late last night due to ping pong at Unit 3, lol -___-. Yep. It was pretty fun and funny, though. I just love listening to Jonathan play the piano, too. Totallyyyy awesome and calming.

Sometimes I feel like I’m way too swayed by other people’s opinions. Again, telling other people that I considered majoring in Development Studies was probably a bad idea… everyone makes fun of me about how I can’t get anything out of it.. and being me, I laugh it off and agree with them. As always, I don’t know how to defend myself. I don’t really know what I want to do. I mean, everyone does say “oh, you shouldn’t expect yourself to know now!” but I can’t help it. Yeah yeah, sometimes we just shouldn’t think. No matter what, it’ll always be at the back of your mind…

how do you know if you’re really depressed or not? huh. i always wondered that.

hehe:

sometimes it’s lonely here.

nights like these.

i hate exams!

and that stupid sock ordeal… slight tension between us now. wtf, stupid sock.

Passing By

Sometimes, I just feel like the most worthless and mentally unstable person ever… I’ve been trying so hard not to think certain ways, but it just keeps coming back to me. It’s really hard… but sometimes, there isn’t even anyone around you who believes in you… you have to believe in yourself. I can’t even do that yet, which is kind of sad. No matter what, no matter how many people believe in you, if you don’t believe in yourself, it doesn’t mean anything.

I went to watch the meteor shower today but didn’t even see a thing.. but came back with near-frostbitten toes… they were so red.. sigh. I wish I lived in Unit 3, it’s so much closer to everything.. sigh. Whoa, I said sigh in two sentences! Must stop.
Sigh..
haha.

Time’s passing by so quickly… it worries me yet at the same time, I don’t want time to pass by too slowly.. kids really need to appreciate their younger years… I know I did! Nowadays, kids are trying to “grow up” too quickly. They should treasure the energy that have as kids so that they can be carefree and just have funnnnn. I miss high school… middle school… elementary school… lol here I am ranting again…

Man, I love CalDB.

♥

so much heart
so much hard work
I admire all the upperclassmen!

3 years 6 months

Am I just rebelling against adjustment?
Hm. maybe.

I just don’t feel like being here right now.
I just don’t feel like moving on yet… I try to, but honestly, maybe I just don’t want to.

Maybe I was never really ready to go to college..

Looking back, wow, I can’t believe all the work I did during the beginning of the fall semester just to get into college… those crazy amounts of essays and applications. And here I am, in Berkeley… not exactly my dream school. I just find it wow-ing that I did all of that and I ended up at a place I feel unhappy in. I truly make poor decisions.

I thought that maybe after a month or so, I’ll be fully adjusted and I’m gonna really like Berkeley. Nope, not just yet. It’s really just like high school all over again… where I just didn’t wanna be at Bal, I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t care. But I ended up loving Bal…

But Cal’s just not the same. Totally different, actually.

I really want to go visit Bal on Thursday with Kevin and them to talk about Cal.. well, less emphasis on the talking about Cal but more on visiting Bal. I’m not too excited about talking about Cal.. it’s gonna make people not want to come here. I have a pretty biased view of Cal… well, everyone already sees it as the hardest UC to get into, the nerdy school, etc… the only good thing I can talk about is the dragon boat team… ha. And that, I’m not even sure if I’m going to quit (personal reasons). I love the team though, and I’m sure other people would too, if they joined next year..

I have a midterm due tomorrow and I have yet to start.. sigh

Friendship and other things

I really wish I could change myself, but change really is the hardest thing to do.
I was talking to Diem the other day, and there were just so many things we could relate to! I realize so many things when I talk to her, too. Haha. I miss her so much.

And, I just a letter from her today!! That made my day… after a really bad math midterm. Ugh. I just can’t do math!

I’ve been feeling so depressed lately.. but luckily, Diem’s letter and bracelet saved the day! Yesterday, after paddling, I just felt so depressed that I wanted to cry… I don’t even know why, but I wanted to. I even considered dropping out of dragon boat… why? Insecurities and low self confidence and self esteem.. maybe I don’t belong on the team… I was never an athletic type of person and I have the weakest mentality ever. I feel incapable of pulling myself together at times..

but thinking about that just makes me feel even more depressed; that I even considered not doing dragon boat anymore…

as usual, there’s something wrong with me…

Now, I’m trying to figure out how to tie on this bracelet so that it never falls off or breaks!

<3 you Diem.
stay strong!! learn from your mistakes. if i'm still surviving college, you should be too!

It’s Your Day

Wow, 13 hours can really do a lot for me.

I should sleep that much every weekend..

YESSS

I have so many new Korean songs

and I got dtella to work.

Don’t Wanna Lose You Now

Yes. Backstreet Boys.

I wish time could just stop.

No matter how much I try to focus, I just can’t.
I feel like I’m losing myself day by day….
it’s just such a disappointment… all that I’ve done to get myself here and I just want to stop now? What’s wrong with me?