This is absolutely crazy.

This feeling.

It is, it really is.

And I can’t believe I can possess such feelings for someone…

How???
How can I continue liking someone that I feel disappoints me all the time?? I don’t get it??
Why do I not talk to the person if I’m the one missing him?
All this debating in my mind… I hate it, I really do.

Sometimes I just wish I didn’t meet him so that maybe all these feelings wouldn’t be here… it’s really been so long since I’ve felt this way. It’s not a crush.

It’s so hard to say what I really feel because even I don’t know myself. I sometimes wonder what he’s thinking because he seems so simple-minded, as if he doesn’t think about it at all. It makes me wonder… am I the one that’s thinking about him too much? The one that’s attracted to him too much? Do I like him too much? For what reasons? I have reasons, but I’m not sure if they hold true anymore, yet the feelings still cling onto my heart and I can’t seem to rip them out.

I keep wishing… it’s ridiculous. I’ve come to realize that he really is the shy one… who will be able to step up? I’m not any better. I’m afraid of letting go…. why do I feel this way when I WANT to let go? I’m afraid he will let go… I don’t know why I’m so afraid of this happening when life just goes on… I think I’m really afraid of the pain and lingering feelings. I can’t even type my paper at the moment. THIS IS CRAZY. I need self-control. I’m hating myself… please help me.

Fear.
It’s the worst thing ever.

And will everyone stop calling me a cougar? Sigh.