JERK.

I feel like you’ve changed so quickly. Just because you think I’m yours now doesn’t mean that you can start acting like a jerk without apologizing. Don’t think you can just get away with doing things because you think I’ll forgive you easily. You don’t know how I feel? So much for being a good guesser. Seems like you just don’t understand how hard I’m trying to talk to you but you never seem to respond because you’re too busy doing other things now. You lose interest so quickly? Was I just an interest? Are you just using me? I feel like I’ve done things too quickly now. Kissing you… ha, was it was mistake? I feel like you’re just using me for your interest. It shouldn’t be that way. You don’t even seem to want to talk to me anymore. What am I to you? How come whenever I ask questions, you beat around the bush? Not saying that you should lie or anything, but it seems like you’re never telling me the truth. You ask me things but when I ask you things you don’t really seem to tell me everything. I hate how you just let things be, saying that things are the way they are, things end up how they’re meant to be. I believe that you don’t just let things happen, but you can MAKE AN EFFORT to make things happen. Right now, I don’t see you trying to do anything in this relationship. You never give me a clear answer, and it’s annoying me so much. It’s like, do you even CARE about how I feel? You said “don’t worry, I won’t hurt you.” Ha, lies. You just said that to make me stop tearing? As much as you love to goof off, as much as I do laugh at the things do you, I’m serious when it comes to dealing with each other’s feelings! It seems like you’re not ready yet. What are you?? Immature still? I hate how you seemed to try so hard to “get me” and now, you don’t do a thing. Do I mean anything to you? I really wonder. I feel like whenever I want to talk about serious things regarding my feelings, you just don’t want to talk about it. You don’t want to talk about anything related to what our relationship is. WHY?? Tell me, I’d really like to know. But you just DON’T TELL ME. I’m getting tired of this. I was thinking that oh, maybe this is just a phase… maybe he’s just busy with work… but now, what’s he doing all the time that he’s at home? Why don’t you webcam with me anymore? I feel like I’m getting hurt. But you’re not doing anything about it…

I’M TIRED OF BEING THE WEAK ONE. TIRED OF FORGIVING YOU EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T SAY SORRY.

Jerk.

You never know.

I’ve finally graduated..
June 5th, 2009. That was the day of totally mixed feelings… happiness, sadness, excitement, the whole shabang. I nearly teared at the end when the graduation was done and everyone was to move their tassels from right to left. I love 09… this year’s been great. Without all my friends, I would not have experienced all that I have. The world is so big; I can’t travel it alone. I can’t go on life doing things on my own… I mean, independence is one thing, but in the end, we all do have to work together to make ends meet.

I’ve been so….. contemplative lately. So, looking at the recent posts I’ve made.. well, things have changed. Feelings developed. Much more obvious now… and it’s good that our feelings are out. But it’s been confusing, wondering what we are. I know we both like each other, we both have feelings for each other. But he says that we’re not really official – that he hasn’t asked me out yet. And I just find it confusing because we’re always hanging out… what is this? What do these things mean? I don’t know. Wish I did. Even though we did talk about it, I’m still not too clear about it. And I’ve been waiting for that day. I just feel like it’ll never come, like his words don’t mean anything. Saying he’ll do this and that. Am I just impatient?

Like the last post, fear is the worst thing ever. I still fear. I always have and always will. It’s stupid though, because we fear things that will inevitably happen. What’s the use? Why be scared? Just live life, right? It’s never that simple. There’ll always be things in the way. I always fear the opinion of others, even though opinion is a good thing. Well, it should be. I’m way too conscious of myself and how others think of me. And I think that’s the bad thing about me… wish I didn’t have it. Because that’s what stops me from doing things… stops me from having the fun I should have! It makes me think too much and feel the way I do now. I still wonder all the time.

What if?