3 years 6 months

Am I just rebelling against adjustment?
Hm. maybe.

I just don’t feel like being here right now.
I just don’t feel like moving on yet… I try to, but honestly, maybe I just don’t want to.

Maybe I was never really ready to go to college..

Looking back, wow, I can’t believe all the work I did during the beginning of the fall semester just to get into college… those crazy amounts of essays and applications. And here I am, in Berkeley… not exactly my dream school. I just find it wow-ing that I did all of that and I ended up at a place I feel unhappy in. I truly make poor decisions.

I thought that maybe after a month or so, I’ll be fully adjusted and I’m gonna really like Berkeley. Nope, not just yet. It’s really just like high school all over again… where I just didn’t wanna be at Bal, I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t care. But I ended up loving Bal…

But Cal’s just not the same. Totally different, actually.

I really want to go visit Bal on Thursday with Kevin and them to talk about Cal.. well, less emphasis on the talking about Cal but more on visiting Bal. I’m not too excited about talking about Cal.. it’s gonna make people not want to come here. I have a pretty biased view of Cal… well, everyone already sees it as the hardest UC to get into, the nerdy school, etc… the only good thing I can talk about is the dragon boat team… ha. And that, I’m not even sure if I’m going to quit (personal reasons). I love the team though, and I’m sure other people would too, if they joined next year..

I have a midterm due tomorrow and I have yet to start.. sigh

Friendship and other things

I really wish I could change myself, but change really is the hardest thing to do.
I was talking to Diem the other day, and there were just so many things we could relate to! I realize so many things when I talk to her, too. Haha. I miss her so much.

And, I just a letter from her today!! That made my day… after a really bad math midterm. Ugh. I just can’t do math!

I’ve been feeling so depressed lately.. but luckily, Diem’s letter and bracelet saved the day! Yesterday, after paddling, I just felt so depressed that I wanted to cry… I don’t even know why, but I wanted to. I even considered dropping out of dragon boat… why? Insecurities and low self confidence and self esteem.. maybe I don’t belong on the team… I was never an athletic type of person and I have the weakest mentality ever. I feel incapable of pulling myself together at times..

but thinking about that just makes me feel even more depressed; that I even considered not doing dragon boat anymore…

as usual, there’s something wrong with me…

Now, I’m trying to figure out how to tie on this bracelet so that it never falls off or breaks!

<3 you Diem.
stay strong!! learn from your mistakes. if i'm still surviving college, you should be too!

It’s Your Day

Wow, 13 hours can really do a lot for me.

I should sleep that much every weekend..

YESSS

I have so many new Korean songs

and I got dtella to work.

Don’t Wanna Lose You Now

Yes. Backstreet Boys.

I wish time could just stop.

No matter how much I try to focus, I just can’t.
I feel like I’m losing myself day by day….
it’s just such a disappointment… all that I’ve done to get myself here and I just want to stop now? What’s wrong with me?

Do You?

So.. I have a midterm on tuesday…
I totally screw myself over every. single. time.

I feel so stressed lately… always so worried, too. So, I decided to blog.
I ALWAYS wonder why I do this to myself.. even though I know I’ll end up feeling like crap, I do it.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m here.. at Berkeley.. why?
I don’t even know what I’m gonna end up doing.. I mean, I guess we all don’t really know what we’re gonna do, but I feel like I really just don’t have any hope at all. I’m just sitting here blogging, feeling like I won’t have any future yet I’m wasting away time and money at a school I’m not even sure why I chose. The reason why I chose it doesn’t even hold true anymore…
No matter how much people try to reassure me about things, it’s just SO HARD to not think about it. How can we just forget how expensive college is? How can we just forget our troubles?

I think I need a job, but I feel like I really won’t have a life after that… no fun at all….
but do I even deserve to have fun anyway?
Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve to be happy… I feel so useless.

I keep telling myself that it’ll just take time to adjust. Am I just impatient? How long does it really take? I guess it’s different for everyone…
It always takes so long for me to adjust, it seems.. just like high school. Am I not putting enough effort into adjusting? I feel like I am, but maybe I give up too easily.

I’ve always been the weak one.