Am I just rebelling against adjustment?
Hm. maybe.

I just don’t feel like being here right now.
I just don’t feel like moving on yet… I try to, but honestly, maybe I just don’t want to.

Maybe I was never really ready to go to college..

Looking back, wow, I can’t believe all the work I did during the beginning of the fall semester just to get into college… those crazy amounts of essays and applications. And here I am, in Berkeley… not exactly my dream school. I just find it wow-ing that I did all of that and I ended up at a place I feel unhappy in. I truly make poor decisions.

I thought that maybe after a month or so, I’ll be fully adjusted and I’m gonna really like Berkeley. Nope, not just yet. It’s really just like high school all over again… where I just didn’t wanna be at Bal, I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t care. But I ended up loving Bal…

But Cal’s just not the same. Totally different, actually.

I really want to go visit Bal on Thursday with Kevin and them to talk about Cal.. well, less emphasis on the talking about Cal but more on visiting Bal. I’m not too excited about talking about Cal.. it’s gonna make people not want to come here. I have a pretty biased view of Cal… well, everyone already sees it as the hardest UC to get into, the nerdy school, etc… the only good thing I can talk about is the dragon boat team… ha. And that, I’m not even sure if I’m going to quit (personal reasons). I love the team though, and I’m sure other people would too, if they joined next year..

I have a midterm due tomorrow and I have yet to start.. sigh

I really wish I could change myself, but change really is the hardest thing to do.
I was talking to Diem the other day, and there were just so many things we could relate to! I realize so many things when I talk to her, too. Haha. I miss her so much.

And, I just a letter from her today!! That made my day… after a really bad math midterm. Ugh. I just can’t do math!

I’ve been feeling so depressed lately.. but luckily, Diem’s letter and bracelet saved the day! Yesterday, after paddling, I just felt so depressed that I wanted to cry… I don’t even know why, but I wanted to. I even considered dropping out of dragon boat… why? Insecurities and low self confidence and self esteem.. maybe I don’t belong on the team… I was never an athletic type of person and I have the weakest mentality ever. I feel incapable of pulling myself together at times..

but thinking about that just makes me feel even more depressed; that I even considered not doing dragon boat anymore…

as usual, there’s something wrong with me…

Now, I’m trying to figure out how to tie on this bracelet so that it never falls off or breaks!

<3 you Diem.
stay strong!! learn from your mistakes. if i'm still surviving college, you should be too!

Wow, 13 hours can really do a lot for me.

I should sleep that much every weekend..

YESSS

I have so many new Korean songs

and I got dtella to work.

Yes. Backstreet Boys.

I wish time could just stop.

No matter how much I try to focus, I just can’t.
I feel like I’m losing myself day by day….
it’s just such a disappointment… all that I’ve done to get myself here and I just want to stop now? What’s wrong with me?

So.. I have a midterm on tuesday…
I totally screw myself over every. single. time.

I feel so stressed lately… always so worried, too. So, I decided to blog.
I ALWAYS wonder why I do this to myself.. even though I know I’ll end up feeling like crap, I do it.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m here.. at Berkeley.. why?
I don’t even know what I’m gonna end up doing.. I mean, I guess we all don’t really know what we’re gonna do, but I feel like I really just don’t have any hope at all. I’m just sitting here blogging, feeling like I won’t have any future yet I’m wasting away time and money at a school I’m not even sure why I chose. The reason why I chose it doesn’t even hold true anymore…
No matter how much people try to reassure me about things, it’s just SO HARD to not think about it. How can we just forget how expensive college is? How can we just forget our troubles?

I think I need a job, but I feel like I really won’t have a life after that… no fun at all….
but do I even deserve to have fun anyway?
Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve to be happy… I feel so useless.

I keep telling myself that it’ll just take time to adjust. Am I just impatient? How long does it really take? I guess it’s different for everyone…
It always takes so long for me to adjust, it seems.. just like high school. Am I not putting enough effort into adjusting? I feel like I am, but maybe I give up too easily.

I’ve always been the weak one.

Ohhh this song is sooo catchy! by Backstreet Boys, of course.

Gawwwwd my mom was soooo fascinated by Yelp today, only because wanted to know who gave reviews on the restaurant and what they said in them ._. sigh. Then she just kept talking and talking and lecturing and lecturing me about improving something at the restaurant because there are times where it’s soooo busy but sometimes it’s way too slow. Then she goes on about how she worries so much about not earning enough, about all this stuff that just makes me sick. Made me think about my horrible financial situation right now. Sigh.

I was going to run today, but then I woke up and thought Betty and Frank would be coming over soon, so I didn’t go… but it took them a while, so I could have gone for a run and then showered D: oh well… so they came over and Frank installed Adobe CS4 into my laptop (thanks!) and just talked… looked up some funny videos online… lol..

Raymond then picked me up to get his wireless mouse at his other house. Little did I know, his other house was in PITTSBURG!! Isn’t that funny? Haha. Long ride it was. Talked, messed with his GPS which I had to get used to. Wow, his house over there is quite nice and big! Coming back, we picked up Betty and Frank from Berkeley since Betty went there to buy her books for next semester. This way, we had enough people to go into the carpool lane thanks to Raymond for driving them as well. Sigh, I didn’t think I’d actually need to buy so many books this semester! I was wrong. One class can require so many! :O I purchased one so far on comegetused.com .. coincidentally, I bought the book from someone I knew that went to Bal!! That’s good, because I’ll be meeting up with her to do the transaction, so it’ll be safe . Hm, I still need to purchase 4 other books.. 3 for Dev. Std. C10 and 1 for Math 16A. Not sure about Korean yet, I guess I have to go to class first before buying whatever I need. IAS 98 probably doesn’t require anything. I’m a bit worried about that class because… there’s only one person enrolled and one person waitlisted (ME!)… can a class really go on with just 2 people?? It’s a directed group study.. is that a bad thing to take early on in college? I’m not exactly sure, but I thought the group sounded interesting (topic is Sustainability in Rural Areas) so I added it. I wonder when teachers allow you into the course, because it’s almost time for school to start! As for Korean, I’m 10th on the waitlist, but no one’s even enrolled yet… which is why I don’t worry. At the same time.. I worry because I don’t understand why no one’s off the waitlist yet D:. I guess I’ll just see next week..

Tomorrow will be fun, hopefully Crepe making at Netty’s with Netty and Diana, MJ at Serene’s. Yeee.

Nothing’s ever easy in life. It was too good to be true that I wouldn’t have to pay for a college education.

Jajangmyun later on with Dustin.

Maybe MJ at Tony’s house.
Something about MJ is just not as interesting as it used to be. Or maybe it’s just that I’m never really playing in the fun table..

I’m going to stop spending so much…

Alright, another night of sleeping late. It’s a bad habit and I’ve got to stop before school starts.

LOL. right, I will..
psh.
there’s only like 6 days left. It’s impossible to fix this habit NOW…
well, I COULD sleep now but… uhhh, lemme finish this first

Visiting Bal tomorrow to check out the orientation. Maybe I can give a few words of help to those youngsters. Probably going to chat it up with some teachers.. and Ms. Lin is back as DEAN! Whoa! Means she’ll be sitting in the Dean’s office, eh? Sandy’s gonna be there, too. Yay. Ah, I’m going to miss the fruit on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I’m gonna miss getting all the help I could get. Seriously, I’m probably not going to get much help at Cal, where there are tens of thousands of students. At Bal, it’s just so homey and.. everyone’s really helpful. Not as crowded like those other public schools out there and with the BEST college room in the city! I’m gonna miss it. Now, I gotta grow up and stop being a baby. Yeah.. Mary, stop being a baby. I’m 18 now, an ADULT. wtf, seriously.. :O

Heading to Japantown afterward with Diana and meeting Jeannette there well, going there first to pick up my scholarship check at AACE and probably going to chat it up with Nancy yay! Gotta talk to her about Cal. Then walking around with Diana and Jeannette, I guess.

Excited for Cal now. I wasn’t feeling it too much like 2 weeks ago… I honestly felt as if I was the only one NOT excited to move in/go to school… cuz everyone else I added going to Cal was like SUPER DUPER excited and ready. Sigh. I’ve got to start getting into homework mode… because I seriously can’t last even reading a few pages of ANYTHING lately! Uh.. oh.

Now… it’s 2:30! I took 7 minutes to type up this post.

I must say.. this is probably one of the more “happy” posts of mine. I didn’t post up my blog on trip to Long Beach.. but that’s on my Xanga. Yeah, I have two blogs. Strange? This used to be my private blog. I’m opening it up to public now. Everyone laughs at my Xanga username so… best to use this one! Sigh, that Xanga has been in use since 6th grade!! Around 2002 or so. DANG, that’s like.. 7 years. GEEZ. I don’t even make layouts anymore.. so there’s a depressing layout on my Xanga atm. Don’t feel like changing it. mm. Goodnight everyone… haha, everyone’s already asleep anyway

Looking back at my posts… ha, I was so… contemplative and in like. At the same time, I feel like such a fool. Reading about how I felt so disappointed many times… I should have predicted what would have happened… Ha. But I don’t know, I don’t want to be bitter about it anymore. I’ve decided I’ll let go, but letting go and moving on are two different things. I haven’t fully moved on yet. The memories are still lingering in my mind and I’m still curious about what happened and when it happened. When did you stop? When did it ever EVER end? You never told me a thing. You never ended what you started. As time goes on, I just find out more and more how you’re immature. Good luck in the future with things, because being immature and ignoring problems won’t help you one bit. But thanks for teaching me what it is to like someone so much again. It’s been a while.. and I haven’t felt so hurt in a long time. Why am I thanking someone for hurting me? Well, at least at the good that happened before that was something fresh in my life. As for the hurt… it was really a hard time for me, and now, it’s going to be really hard for me to trust anyone with my feelings again. But who doesn’t go through this? This only adds to my experiences and makes me a stronger person.

I should start blogging more. School’s just around the corner and I’m really anxious. I’m excited, but nervous. I’m happy, but sad at the same time. This is the last week I can find some time to hang out with people, but everyone’s schedules clash with each other’s…. sigh. I’m so sorry if I didn’t hang out with certain people, but don’t take it to heart because there’s just so little time for many things to do ):.

I fall to pieces
Each time I see you again
I fall to pieces
How can I be just your friend?

You want me to act like we’ve never kissed
You want to forget; pretend we’ve never met
And I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I haven’t yet…
You walk by, and I fall to pieces

I fall to pieces
Each time someone speaks your name (speaks your name)
I fall to pieces
Time only adds to the flame

You tell me to find someone else to love
Someone who’ll love me too (love me too)
The way you used to do (used to do)

But each time I go out with someone new,
You walk by, and I fall to pieces
You walk by, and I fall to pieces