JERK.

I feel like you’ve changed so quickly. Just because you think I’m yours now doesn’t mean that you can start acting like a jerk without apologizing. Don’t think you can just get away with doing things because you think I’ll forgive you easily. You don’t know how I feel? So much for being a good guesser. Seems like you just don’t understand how hard I’m trying to talk to you but you never seem to respond because you’re too busy doing other things now. You lose interest so quickly? Was I just an interest? Are you just using me? I feel like I’ve done things too quickly now. Kissing you… ha, was it was mistake? I feel like you’re just using me for your interest. It shouldn’t be that way. You don’t even seem to want to talk to me anymore. What am I to you? How come whenever I ask questions, you beat around the bush? Not saying that you should lie or anything, but it seems like you’re never telling me the truth. You ask me things but when I ask you things you don’t really seem to tell me everything. I hate how you just let things be, saying that things are the way they are, things end up how they’re meant to be. I believe that you don’t just let things happen, but you can MAKE AN EFFORT to make things happen. Right now, I don’t see you trying to do anything in this relationship. You never give me a clear answer, and it’s annoying me so much. It’s like, do you even CARE about how I feel? You said “don’t worry, I won’t hurt you.” Ha, lies. You just said that to make me stop tearing? As much as you love to goof off, as much as I do laugh at the things do you, I’m serious when it comes to dealing with each other’s feelings! It seems like you’re not ready yet. What are you?? Immature still? I hate how you seemed to try so hard to “get me” and now, you don’t do a thing. Do I mean anything to you? I really wonder. I feel like whenever I want to talk about serious things regarding my feelings, you just don’t want to talk about it. You don’t want to talk about anything related to what our relationship is. WHY?? Tell me, I’d really like to know. But you just DON’T TELL ME. I’m getting tired of this. I was thinking that oh, maybe this is just a phase… maybe he’s just busy with work… but now, what’s he doing all the time that he’s at home? Why don’t you webcam with me anymore? I feel like I’m getting hurt. But you’re not doing anything about it…

I’M TIRED OF BEING THE WEAK ONE. TIRED OF FORGIVING YOU EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T SAY SORRY.

Jerk.

You never know.

I’ve finally graduated..
June 5th, 2009. That was the day of totally mixed feelings… happiness, sadness, excitement, the whole shabang. I nearly teared at the end when the graduation was done and everyone was to move their tassels from right to left. I love 09… this year’s been great. Without all my friends, I would not have experienced all that I have. The world is so big; I can’t travel it alone. I can’t go on life doing things on my own… I mean, independence is one thing, but in the end, we all do have to work together to make ends meet.

I’ve been so….. contemplative lately. So, looking at the recent posts I’ve made.. well, things have changed. Feelings developed. Much more obvious now… and it’s good that our feelings are out. But it’s been confusing, wondering what we are. I know we both like each other, we both have feelings for each other. But he says that we’re not really official – that he hasn’t asked me out yet. And I just find it confusing because we’re always hanging out… what is this? What do these things mean? I don’t know. Wish I did. Even though we did talk about it, I’m still not too clear about it. And I’ve been waiting for that day. I just feel like it’ll never come, like his words don’t mean anything. Saying he’ll do this and that. Am I just impatient?

Like the last post, fear is the worst thing ever. I still fear. I always have and always will. It’s stupid though, because we fear things that will inevitably happen. What’s the use? Why be scared? Just live life, right? It’s never that simple. There’ll always be things in the way. I always fear the opinion of others, even though opinion is a good thing. Well, it should be. I’m way too conscious of myself and how others think of me. And I think that’s the bad thing about me… wish I didn’t have it. Because that’s what stops me from doing things… stops me from having the fun I should have! It makes me think too much and feel the way I do now. I still wonder all the time.

What if?

This is absolutely crazy.

This feeling.

It is, it really is.

And I can’t believe I can possess such feelings for someone…

How???
How can I continue liking someone that I feel disappoints me all the time?? I don’t get it??
Why do I not talk to the person if I’m the one missing him?
All this debating in my mind… I hate it, I really do.

Sometimes I just wish I didn’t meet him so that maybe all these feelings wouldn’t be here… it’s really been so long since I’ve felt this way. It’s not a crush.

It’s so hard to say what I really feel because even I don’t know myself. I sometimes wonder what he’s thinking because he seems so simple-minded, as if he doesn’t think about it at all. It makes me wonder… am I the one that’s thinking about him too much? The one that’s attracted to him too much? Do I like him too much? For what reasons? I have reasons, but I’m not sure if they hold true anymore, yet the feelings still cling onto my heart and I can’t seem to rip them out.

I keep wishing… it’s ridiculous. I’ve come to realize that he really is the shy one… who will be able to step up? I’m not any better. I’m afraid of letting go…. why do I feel this way when I WANT to let go? I’m afraid he will let go… I don’t know why I’m so afraid of this happening when life just goes on… I think I’m really afraid of the pain and lingering feelings. I can’t even type my paper at the moment. THIS IS CRAZY. I need self-control. I’m hating myself… please help me.

Fear.
It’s the worst thing ever.

And will everyone stop calling me a cougar? Sigh.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder why I still call you even when we’ll never be able to hear each other.

Why?

Why should I…

Disappointment and High Expectations

Hate the feeling of disappointment..

and I have a problem with expecting too much. Why should I do it when I know I shouldn’t? Especially expecting much from a certain person…. which I don’t. Hm.

I guess it’s those Korean dramas.

It’s always my thinking that makes things bad.
I can’t embrace the feeling of liking someone and (if) that person liking me back.
I don’t know why, I just can’t yet. I don’t know how long it will take for me to embrace the feeling.

I hate this

So obvious yet it can’t be expressed.

I hate this feeling.

I wish it would wash away.

I like him.

Why?

Why oh why….

I hate having this feeling because I just KNOW it will go away sooner or later.. why can’t it just go away now???

I don’t even know what to DO with this feeling!

It’s only been like 4 weeks (not even a month)…. don’t you think it’s a little too fast?
haha.
Don’t know. Part of me wants it to go away, part of me doesn’t. But the part of me that doesn’t knows that it will go away anyway……………..
And the part of me that wants it to go away is in denial.

D:

SOCAL TRIP.

It was definitely an amazing experience… I’m so thankful that I was invited to go on this trip. Two college trips in a row!! I have so much to say, I really do.

I learned so much about everyone. And I really bonded a lot more with Anqi.

I learned a lot about LA county, as well.. a lot about the communities said to be “hella bad” and such. Met an artist that had been sentenced to life two times? I believe it was something of that sort. But anyway, he was really inspirational… and peoples’ experiences (from the day at the Chuco center) living in South Central were really just eye opening. And it really motivated me to make a change… and it made me want to be in LA.. making me lean towards UCLA (for college). I really don’t know yet. If I get the scholarship at Cal, well, I think I might just choose Cal. I don’t have a problem with Cal anymore. But I would really prefer UCLA… it’s just that the weather.. I’m not sure if it’s good for my skin. And for those that don’t know, my skin is superly duperly sensitive. I feel like an alien sometimes. Or maybe I’m just special. But it sucks to have to be so paranoid about being exposed to the sun and such. I look really lame…

Cough.
I hate having this one feeling.
It’s like being a little kid again.
I just hate the feeling.
Maybe it’ll go away soon…

And I suddenly felt really disappointed… not just because I didn’t finish up hw while in LA, but… I think it’s like, this sort of feeling I had after the East Coast trip as well. Because I feel like wow, will I ever really talk with those people again? I really hope I do. I hope it wasn’t just a one week thing. Because it was really great spending it with all those people. And talking with people…… it was fun and enlightening.

I got.. HELLA dark. Well, that’s just my opinion.

More to say later.

MARCH MADNESS!

Okay, so I haven’t been following up on anything. Time sure flies.

Accepted into UC IRVINE!

No rejections so far.

I feel bad for those who were rejected from UC DAVIS but SRSLY wanted to go there! And they had good enough stats in my opinion! It’s strange. But I guess we’ll never know how colleges choose.

We’ll all end up okay, we will.

Did I mention… I’m doing SO much better in STATS now? Amazing, I know. Well, must not be too happy right now. There’s a test Monday. Better do well on THAT!

Stupid budget cuts.

Confidence

I actually feel that I’ll do pretty good tomorrow. Hopefully okay if not really good. Paying attention really does help. And reading more carefully. I’m so proud of myself!

And I visited Ashley’s office today. Pretty cool there . It was fun! Learned a lot more about Ashley, too. Ah, I’ll miss buildOn!!